Lessons

6.22.24

I have a nameless crippling illness. I face my physical challenges every second of my existence, fighting a battle no one understands, but can no longer be denied, uniquely my own it seems. Despite all odds against me I continue to try and create a meaningful existence. I have felt like I’ve hit checkmate more than once in life with no way out. The way out is through. Most of us have something we fight inside, let it be used to our advantage and take our power back from it.

I’m quite used to my …predicament. I just want others to know, whom have or are losing mobility, in any way, it is not the end of your story. Please continue trying to get better while also being okay with where you’re at presently. Envision yourself as physically healthy as much as possible. Build yourself up in ways where you have more control (your gifts) and let the rest take the back burner. Develop your relationship with the divine, start believing in miracles, and that you will never be asked to go through more than you can handle. Never claim the illness as your whole identity, like saying I am (fill in the blank), that says you accept giving it power. You have an illness not you are the illness, and are always searching for the off switch. When people ask about it say, “I am healing”, instead of, “I’m not better yet”. Your body can hear you at the cellular level through vibration, give it grace not more pain. It is difficult to remember, but you must.

This is an alchemy and shadow work lesson together. The immobility gives you a moment to connect with your spiritual universe within. Try and reverse the situation you’re in as if it were in your favor, a puzzle to solve. Think about what this is trying to teach you? Is it patience? Is it kindness? How did you go about life before it happened to you? I acted mostly from ego, young and angry about life in general. I mean I didn’t fucking ask to be here 😆, as we say in a teenage rage. Judgmental and cynical, just plain sad, misery that company kept. I was impatient, I moved quickly through life, burned most bridges along the way. I acted as if, “I don’t have time for that”, And that “that“ was pretty much anything, I simply had no time for that! I stood up and ate my food at work as fast as I could, never stopping to taste it or simply enjoy the little things. I constantly had to be busy doing something until I went to sleep, because that was what I thought life was about. Someone might say, Michelle, look at that, “a butterfly!”, or “smell this flower”. I would just roll my eyes, or shrug my shoulders, literally so out of touch with it all.

My whole mentality was, I don’t have time for extra care with something, for slow drivers, to help someone else I didn’t know how to do something. I neglected my needs, I starved myself, as if I didn‘t deserve anything, that would be selfish. I relied on others for my happiness, someone else to complete me, blowing up when they couldn’t meet my unreachable demands. Putting others needs before my own and resenting them. I would snap at people who didn’t deserve it, I would pass people taking too long infront of me at the grocery store. I would flip people off while driving or yell at them, lol. You’d think I worked on wall street or FedEx, as if I was living and dying by the clock 😆, as quoted in the movie Cast Away. What exactly was I rushing for? It all ends the same. I may have reached the red light first but everyone will eventually catch up. Life is not a race to the finish line. These days I am the tortoise, and only the hare when I have to be. Every time I switch gears the sands fall faster in my hourglass.

I was a little out of control, not really thinking about how my actions and reactions affected others. I shake my head at that behavior, and I’ve since forgiven myself for my recklessness. I can't help but wonder if immobility is my divine “time out” my saving grace. Because otherwise, would I have ever paused to reflect on my life? How many more people would I blame for my bad day? How many more people would I have made feel bad for no good reason other than my time was at stake. Would I have become the person I am now, so much more aware, patient, giving, finding the meaning in everything? I don’t think so actually.

I now am the opposite of how I used to be, I’m the person pointing out the butterfly and flowers to others. I try to show others their own light inside now. Point out perfections where they feel flawed. When others react to things the way I used to, with eye rolls, blank stares, and so what’s, because they don’t have time for it, I laugh to myself. I recognize the shadow in them only because I made peace with mine. Others reactions don’t hurt my feelings, as I realize they are just not going through the introspective phase of their own life yet. I hope for those people to recognize their shadows sooner than I did so they can enjoy life sooner and love people better than I did. In ways the younger generations are navigating a completely different world. Am I saying it‘s not fair, they have it so easy? I had to walk in the snow to school, I had to get beaten up on the playground instead of a chat room, or I had to physically search for a job by walking into a place of business.

No. They have different difficulties now, but they have strengths in kindness to themselves and others. Infact I think the younger generations are more kind and excepting than ever before. I hope they all learn from passed generations mistakes. That could possibly change if our online worlds came crashing down for long. It does have it‘s share of disadvantages from not knowing how to do things as older generations did. It’s hard to imagine life without internet I hope we never find out what happens without it.

I’m starting to get off topic now so I’ll wrap it up. Show yourself compassion as well as others. We are all going through something at all times. Life is more pleasant if we do that, and we are all experiencing something for the first time, no one is a born expert, it comes with experience. Which is why we’re here just learning to fly.

…and tears come, under the full moon finally